I just returned from Vegas.
I love it there but there were some moments early on where I wondered if this trip would really happen.
On Thursday we got off to a rough start. A few hours before we were supposed to leave I realized I had a UTI.
Color us determined. I threw a few more things in my suitcase, zipped it up and heaved it into the back of the car. After a break-neck-speed detour to a med stop and still another to the Target Pharmacy closest to the airport, we were beginning to think that we might just pull this trip off after all.
While waiting for the prescrips to be filled we keep eyeballing the time and my hubby was relentlessly giving the pharmacist the evil eye every time she picked up the phone or fielded a question from someone else. It reminded me of the scene out of Planes Trains and Automobiles where Steve Martin keeps pointing to his watch and mouthing the words, "I've Got To Catch A Plane". Apparently intimidation or the squeaky wheel does get the grease though because it worked and twenty minutes later we have the drugs in hand and we were back on schedule.
The plane ride was less than stellar.
You just don't realize how rough that silver bird rides until you are racing down the take off runway with what feels like an increasingly ballooning and urgent bladder and visions of imminent release running through your head.
Once we were up in the air things seemed a bit easier but then I had another issue looming.I don't think I am alone in this, but I confess I have a borderline neurotic fear of airplane lavatories.
I have since learned that apparently self portraits taken in airplane bathrooms is kind of big thing. Who knew?
How much time did that take and how long was the line on the other side of the door?
I can't explain it but I will go to utter extremes to avoid these water closets and I have been very successful at this for years...until last week. As a result I have very little experience in this area. Not only do I think they are disgusting but I hate to appear like I'm not in the know or in control of the situation. Since I have avoided these facilities all these years and I am so clueless as to how it all works I am also afraid of appearing like a moron. Who would think there was anything to master regarding this subject but apparently there is.
How weird would it be if after the safety schpeel they gave us a toilet tutorial?
Well about an hour and twenty three minutes ( not that I was keeping track) since my last ditch visit before boarding the plane I knew I would have to succumb to my fears and walk the plank towards the rear of the plane.
About the time I made this bravely momentous decision the beverage cart as if on cue could be heard ambling down the aisle and of course came to a heart stopping halt right next to our row and effectively blocked any escape from my seat.
Really? Not wanting to draw ANY attention to myself, I suffered in silence. Of course this is a discount airline and there is a charge for EVERYTHING. So a money transaction is required for every freaking item on that stupid cart. Add to that the fact that this plane is also on its way to Vegas and everybody other than us appears to already be in a mentally altered party state of mind. They can barely make change or they are determined to reach that carefree Vegas level of insobriety before landing. You know what I mean, those fellow passengers that can be heard yelling to someone in their bridal party seven rows back and asking for beer money which somebody has to dig out of their purse and then pass telephone style over the heads of oblivious headphone donning or passed out passengers.
Meanwhile the beverage cart just sits.
Good grief! Don't you all see I need some relief here????
Finally the cart mercifully inches forward and I make a my dreaded trek only to be stopped in my tracks by a glowing OCCUPIED sign.
And we're not talking Wall Street here.
Okay, I can handle this. Just because I am standing and gravity is now having an adverse effect on me, I am now willing myself to not embarrass myself or the hubs.
My Norwegian stubborness finally serves a purpose here. That and all those kegles.
Of course, as the door opens one of the largest women ever is with great effort manipulating her way through that teeny tiny doorway and tottering towards me.
Oh God, where do I go?
I dive out of the way and pin myself to the back of the kitchenette and I'm brushing up against the the coffee pot. I let her pass with out making eye contact. In my dire state I think evil thoughts along the lines of "Honey, does this plane make my ass look big"? Pain makes me mean and it's possible I just might roll my eyes as she lumbers by so I look down instead.
When I finally look up I see the lavatory door closing and I realize someone has beat me to the pass.
Oh, I see how it goes. You have to play aggressively here.
I keep my eyes peeled on that door and I stand my ground this time. The door opens this time and I pounce forward but as I finally wrestle my way into this tiny metal rabbit hole I discover that I don't know how to lock the door.
Panic! How hard can this be? What is wrong with me?
I'm an idiot!
How old is this G. D. plane? All the signage has worn off except a trace of some obscure Spanish direction on what not to do with feminine products.
Crap! How do I lock the door? There is a lone worn sticker on the door that says something about locking during take off and landing but half of it is missing and I am afraid this is some sort of ancillary lock and I'm convinced that a siren will go off it I use it. Then I will be bombarded by flight attendants or maybe even a federal agent knocking me to the ground for committing some federal offense.
I have a vivid imagination and I've been told I have a flair for the dramatic.
Could they put me on a do not fly list?
I like to think I am of at least average intelligence, so why can't I figure out how to lock the damn door???
How about a simple locked/unlocked or Occupied/Not Occupied sign or for those of us that are really stupid maybe some picture clues?
Something like this is perfectly understandable. Not on my plane.
The sense of urgency is overwhelming me now so I decide to just hold on to the handle for dear life to avoid someone turning and opening it at my worst possible moment. My luck it would be a small child and I will be arrested on some sort of flasher/ child molester charge.
I should have stayed home.
So yes, it was a rough start to what we were calling an anniversary getaway, even though our anniversary is still over two months away.
Finally, though, we are wheels down in Vegas. I sprinted off the plane to the nearest ladies room. It had been two hours and seven minutes since my last debacle. I made a game out of how long I could go without a repeat performance.
After checking in to the hotel we went right up to our room and I must say a bed never looked so good to me or felt any better.
A good night sleep can do a body wonders and that bed and those pillows at The Bellagio were heavenly.
No, you just can't keep a good woman down and by morning I was feeling much better.
Ready, set, shop!
Shopping in Vegas requires a LOT of walking. If you are going be sure and wear comfy shoes. You can look cute later.
My hubs actually put me in cab right after lunch and directed the driver to the Palazo Shops. Wow. Do you think he wanted to get rid of me?
He did a bit of gambling and I did more than a bit of shopping. That's how we roll and how we have stayed together for so many years. It just works for us.
One of the evenings while we were there we went to a concert of Frank Sinatra music performed by Clint Holmes and Vince Falcone.
We weren't expecting much but it was superb. A forty-piece orchestra and the whole bit. Fabulous.
After the event and having a couple martinis under his belt my better half actually "borrowed" this sign from out front.
We both felt pretty bad *ss but I don't think they cared because the next day he asked them to package it up and ship it home for him and they did. It was pretty obvious what we had done and they just laughed with us.
I guess we are really more dork than delinquent.
The whole evening was magical and the highlight of the trip for us was dinner at Picasso out on the patio by the fountains.
Thanks babe for an awesome evening and an incredible life.
So glad I said "I do" all those years back and so happy we didn't let a little set back the other morning keep us from adding this adventure to our reel of memories.